Eventually. Soon. God-willing. In the future. Someday. Puhon.

I still wrestle this word, and I don’t think my struggle with it will ever cease. Not because of anything linguistic or cultural, but existential.

What is it that I am hoping for? What will inevitably transpire and come to pass?

Puhon finds its roots in my Bisaya/Visayan/Cebuano heritage, and is a word repeated time and again in countless conversations—at least in my case—with my parents.

They haven’t stopped invoking it. In fact, it’s been as prevalent as ever in our conversations. I graduated from San Jose State with my Bachelors in Humanities with a Concentration in Religious Studies around two months ago and am nearly halfway through the aspirant-phase of discerning priesthood/ordained ministry in the Episcopal Church. To put it simply, I’ve got a alot simultaneously off and on my plate.

I’ve become increasingly unsure of tomorrow, not necessarily in whether it will come but in what it will bring and what I can—if anything—do about it.

To some degree, puhon speaks to the fatalistic elements of Filipino culture—both pre and post-colonization by the Spanish—particularly in the indigenous understanding of and the Christian assertion of divine will and its ongoing activity.

In my mind, puhon isn’t some aimless sentiment that my parents throw out into the wind hoping that the universe will grasp on to and run with it. Furthermore, it’s not strictly a religious statement, nor is it a mere theological assertion. It is a recognition that there is something at play beyond our control and understanding.

To me and maybe to you, that’s worrisome—and understandably so, for the thought that there are influential forces that do not bend to our will or fully align with our desires makes us feel powerless. They move in ways that are mysterious and confounding, bewildering and complex, yet what is there for us to do?

Will I ever truly and fully understand or accept this?

Hindi. Dili. No.

But you know what, that’s okay. It’s okay to walk in the dark sometimes, to have my vision a bit blurred or to dwell in the fog of uncertainty. What matters is that I’m still up on my feet and walking, knowing that I’m not alone, and that eventually I’m gonna reach somewhere. Where and that it is—well, that’s beyond my own knowing.

But what I do know is this: that someday will transform into today, that the future will become the present and then the past, and that soon will become now. Of this we can be certain, and for this we can be grateful—knowing that we have yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As Gandalf the Gray spoke to Frodo Baggins in the midst of the latter’s despair:

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Ang tanan nga kinahanglan naton magdesisyon kung unsa ang buhaton sa oras nga gihatag kanato.